My name is Iphigenie Amoutzias (previously Dallia, then Meera) and I moved to New Zealand in 1996 from Germany. I was completely blinded and lost in a cult for 6 years. This is part of my story.
I have a university degree from Germany and post graduated in Auckland as a high school art teacher. All my life I was interested in deepening my understanding of life and be a better person than yesterday. To have a critical and questioning mind was always part of my being and had also been supported in my 25 years of Buddhist practice. I was always looking for answers to life. Living a spiritual life has always been natural to me and I was striving to be of service for others. I practiced compassion as a Buddhist leader supporting many members in their lives. After teaching at a high school for a number of years I started my own business with one of my passions; the dance. I was soon running a belly dance school in Auckland with my own studio, 90 female students, yearly student show productions and other public performances. I even organised a dance trip to Egypt (just before the political unrest).
But after some years I felt something was missing. I was looking for a new meaning in life. I had been feeling this deep sadness and could not get rid of it. And I was looking for energy healing methods or a community to work with on a more metaphysical level. The New Age community did not really interest me, as I felt it was ‘airy-fairy’, often not founded in a solid philosophy and full of leaders pretending to be so special and full of themselves. Little did I know I would find myself soon in a group with exactly that kind of leaders.
When I met the founders of the spiritual group Kosmic Fusion in 2011, I was in the middle of my dance career, teaching at my school and performing at shows, parties and weddings. I enjoyed making my audience feel happy.
Back then the couple was called Kaveeta and Suniel. (Eventually they changed their names to Sree Maa and Shri Ji, an indication already of the importance they put on themselves.) They were both from India and lived in Auckland. One day they arrived in my studio and she was taking classes with me. We started talking and I went to some private sessions with her. She had some special aura about her and I was amazed about her energy and what she shared with me about life and metaphysics. Her knowledge seemed vast and deep. Her husband Shri Ji seemed also very kind. He was quiet and polite; she was straightforward, confident and outspoken. But more importantly only after one session with her, she did lift my sadness. It was gone and I felt a deep joy in its place. It felt so good that I was keen to learn more and share it with others.
Their work seemed very powerful and related to Quantum physics. The goal was to liberate the ‘incarnational soul’ from the lower, dense energy bodies and matrix that we had accumulated over so many lifetimes. Then we would be free to return to Source. This was initiated in the ‘Awakenin & Transformation” workshop with the help of this divine frequency they called Quantum Vortex Scalar Wave Photon Pulse (QVSWPP). They described it as the mother of all frequencies and vibrations; as Source and Zero Point, where everything was originated from. After the workshop we became instant healers and nothing not based on love would stay in our field. Even better: we would upgrade and clear our surroundings just with our presence. So others will benefit from it as well. The goal was to spread this amazing frequency/vibration in the world and eventually offer this clearing for free in the Third World. There seemed to be a bigger altruistic purpose to it all. As many people as possible should be liberated. I trusted Sree Maa and Shri Ji, who called themselves the ‘guardians of QVSWPP’. And I did feel an improvement in my daily life and felt so much better.
By the way, the ‘Awakenin & Transformation” workshop was not cheap and I did question that aspect, but the benefits seemed to be so much bigger, that I pushed that doubt quickly aside. First the workshop was over NZD1000 for a few days, then 599 for a weekend. Soon everything had to be paid with USD and the workshop came down to USD 299, when it was done in one afternoon. Apparently mankind was ready to release quickly now. When I told Sree Maa this price was high for New Zealand standard, she became angry. ‘The work being done is priceless. And she takes on all our rubbish to be released.’ It made me feel selfish to have questioned it.
To expand my newly gained healing ability from the ‘Awakenin & Transformation” workshop, I also attended the practitioner training. The format changed often and I had to keep attending them to stay up to date. In the beginning Sree Maa told me, “Look how other healing modalities make you spend so much money before you can be a healer. But with us it is not like that.” She wanted me to create a list with every healing modality I know and compare them financially. Well, she soon stopped talking like that. We had to keep coming back for more and more upgrades and the workshops were never cheap. We kept paying and the more you invest into something, the more you want to make sure you get as much as possible from it and stay. She also said clearly to me in the beginning, this group is NOT religious. Good, because I was not looking for a religion at all, but was only interested in developing my healing abilities. Had I sensed any religious direction in it, I would have left immediately.
I soon became a volunteer with a few others to organise events in New Zealand or online and over the years I spent my money not only to support events, but also for the lifestyle of the couple. Giving away our money meant we were liberating ourselves from the fear of surviving and freeing ourselves from our small desires for material stability. There were volunteers in different countries and Kosmic Fusion expanded in other parts of the world. Within the group of volunteers a small dedicated group formed around 2013 which was trained personally by Sree Maa and Shri Ji to transform the ego or ‘small self’, as it was called, much quicker and live the true ‘SELF’. We were called FIT (Facilitator in training)- a play with language. Sree Maa and Shri Ji always liked playing with language. Originally they wrote their names as KaVeeTa & SuNieL, which we soon copied from them. Or the workshop was called ‘AwaKeNiN & TrAnsForMaTioN workshop. Our ego self was written in small letters. Then there were the ‘Self’ and ‘SELF’. I came to realise that language was a subtle, but nevertheless a powerful way to manipulate.
Changing the goal post
The ‘FIT’ spend a lot of our time and energy to help Kosmic Fusion to develop. For example there were never any handouts in the workshops; so the FIT group was told to create a practitioner manual. We met regularly online from all over the world and spent many hours to develop it. It became a big booklet. A few times Sree Maa joined us online to check our progress and any session with her lasted usually about 4-6 hours with a much anticipated ‘energy upgrade’ in the end. The Practitioner project started at the end of 2013 and lasted until mid 2015. Then the manual was not needed any more. Sree Maa and Shri Ji always gave us big projects that never got approved in the end. Another one was the project of creating a new website for Kosmic Fusion at the end of 2016. It followed the same pattern of getting us involved, constantly changing content and then not approving anything. In case of the practitioner handbook we were told everything was changed to hands free healing, an even more advanced technique. So there was no need for the booklet anymore. We just needed to connect mentally to this couple with our pure devotion to become one with them. The purer our surrender to them was, the stronger and more effective the healing would be. Healing could therefore only happen from them. Sure my alarm bells went on, but everyone else thought it was fine, so trusted and I wanted to stay with the people.
Some of us wanted to include this Quantum healing in their healing business. But there was no support to do so, people were in fact told to take it off their healing menu. Within Kosmic Fusion some of us were allowed to offer healings. But we were not encouraged to create our own healing business. Instead we were pulled deeper into full surrender to them. Soon they revealed the ‘secret’ that they are indeed QVSWPP themselves. The logical progression was that Kosmic Fusion started to evolve around them, and not around the energy alone anymore.
I was passionate to bring QVSWPP to my homeland Germany and tried to create a website in my native language. I then asked Sree Maa for advice. She told me as long as I had a link to their website for the ‘Awakening Transformation’ workshop, it was fine. So I spent much time to develop the website and finally emailed her everything with an English translation of my German write-ups asking for her approval. I never received an answer. By then I was trained so well that I then knew that Sree Maa disapproved. I never had the chance to talk with her about it. Later I was accused for wanting to take over the group in Germany and becoming like her. And no, she said, she had never allowed me to create my own website. The goal post was constantly moved and we did not know where we stood with her. We were dependent on Sree Maa’s approval of any issue, even though Sree Maa had said we should make decisions on our own and not ask her for every single thing.
It often happened that Sree Maa denied what she had said in private or even within the group. She could even show evidence from an email she had saved that says something different to what she had told us before. It was one of the techniques to manipulate and frame us. Sree Maa and Shri Ji saved every single communication with us (email and WhatsApp) to use it later against us in one of the ‘coming clean’/confession sessions. In my case I would be confronted with an email that was a few years old. Everything seemed calculated from the start. Sree Maa did not trust anyone of us. She even said so a few times. That’s why she always had witnesses in any confession session. In reality the witnesses were there to be groomed during these long sittings to surrender and oblige even more.
Changes in the group happened gradually. The couple started with being just the founders of Kosmic Fusion with these special spiritual gifts. Then they called themselves the Guardians of QVSWPP, the highest and purest frequency/vibration there is. The core group was introduced to doing full body prostrations while touching their feet to demonstrate the full surrender of their ego. This way we were also to receive blessings from them. Then they changed their names to Sree Maa and Shri Ji and became QVSWPP themselves. This was only revealed to the tight core group, the FIT. It was kept a secret. We were not allowed to address them anymore with “You” and had to address them always with their new names. There was no ‘She’ and ‘He’ neither, only Sree Maa and Shri Ji. We had to address the couple as the Parabrahman (the Supreme Being). A ‘Thank you’ would become ‘Atyant Abhaar Aapka Sree Maa Shri Ji’ (formal Hindi for: I am eternally grateful to Sree Maa Shri Ji). A lot of emphasis was put on how we addressed them. Excessive amount of Indian terminology had to be learned.
The next step was that they introduced their ‘true identity’ to us. This was done in an exclusive retreat in Taupo in 2016 with the FIT group. Sree Maa and Shri Ji revealed that they are the ‘Avatar’ (reincarnation of God) specifically of Bhagwan Swaminarayan. In this retreat we were made to practice the Aarti (Hindu religious ritual of worship) to them. Back at home we then kept a photo of the couple in our Mandir (Hindu temple) next to an image of Bhagwan Swaminarayan. In the Ashram Sree Maa soon removed their photo from their own Mandir, because Bhagwan Swaminarayan was apparently not happy about it. But other FIT kept it inside their Mandir and were allowed to do so.
The revelation in the retreat 2016 shocked me. “What did I get myself into? This was NOT what I had signed up for!!” Still I could not leave and felt I needed to stay for my soul liberation. Only by staying and surrendering fully to Sree Maa and Shri Ji could I attain Akshardham (Bhagwan Swaminarayan’s Abode), which meant going back home to Source. If I left now, I was doomed to being used by dark forces in more reincarnations that would pull me further away from. Fear kept me with Sree Maa and Shri Ji, even though I could see the progression into a cult mentality I kept talking myself out of that idea. In addition the other members were all such lovely, beautiful people I enjoyed being with. And they stayed too, so it couldn’t be that bad, I told myself. Sree Maa seemed to have a vast knowledge of the Veda and writings of Bhagwan Swaminarayan, therefore still seemed genuine to me.
Eventually we had to address Sree Maa herself as SreeMaaShriJi, being the Absolute and address Shri Ji as ShreeJi Maharaj (with a different spelling it is actually another way to address Bhagwan Swaminarayan). At some point Sree Maa also revealed Shri Ji as the manifestation of the deity Shiva on this planet. She often said that he is the more powerful one of the two. He certainly did not show it and always appeared to others as pleasant and quiet, until it came to the ‘coming clear’ sessions. And once I was living in the Ashram I did realise that he was quite judgmental about some FIT. And Sree Maa made jokes about his impatience when driving the car. I wondered how a divine being could be like that, but pushed the thought aside.
Money Money Money
Kosmic Fusion offered a 5 days intensive workshop to learn about Tarot, Numerology and Akashic Records Readings. I attended the course 3 times. The first time we were still taught about Tarot and Numbers and had an energetic upgrade to be able to access the Akashic Records as well as an energetic integration of 33 crystals and their healing powers. The second time we learned none of that anymore, but more advanced Tarot layouts. The third time everything changed. We were told Tarot and Numerology were obsolete and we only needed to devote ourselves fully to them and become One with them. Then we could witness Akashic Records Neutralisations, which were even more powerful than just readings. But new Facilitators who attended this workshop had to pay the same full amount as for the previous workshops that had a lot of content. And it was a high amount. Repeaters had some discount. Sree Maa announced before the workshop that she would reveal something exciting without saying anything more. Workshop participants joined, thinking they received knowledge about Tarot etc as advertised on the website only to find out these promises were not met. Somehow Sree Maa always managed to spend days talking in the workshop and made it look like we got a lot for our investment, when we did not. I did feel especially uncomfortable to justify to new participants such high amount and deception.
Sree Maa treated us always in a hot/cold manner. It kept the FIT group on edge. At times we were praised and could feel so much compassion and love, then at other times we received very strict words and cold treatment. There were also no secrets kept amongst us. Whatever we shared with Sree Maa in privacy was soon shared with everyone, under the pretence to become One with total transparency. Most of us were afraid to approach Sree Maa directly with any questions and most of us did not dare to ask her to explain anything. New concepts were only explained once and then we should understand already or figure out things amongst us. But Sree Maa told us we could contact her any time, even when she had started to delegate a particular close FIT to be her personal P.A. This person had to deal with any emails addressed to Sree Maa before they were even considered passing on to her. Sree Maa’s words and actions did just not match. When she insisted she had said something different to what we all remembered, we smiled about it and shook it off as her leela (divine play). She was never wrong, of course and she controlled us with fear.
Sree Maa said on few occasions that she is actually very compassionate and loving. And that Shri Ji is actually the strict one. Why would a Guru/God have to reinforce that to her followers? That should just be obvious through actions and being felt by us without saying. We were told by her she had this special gift to mirror the other’s ego. In this way it was US who were making her act in a strict, abusive way. And Sree Maa was being compassionate by doing so and to help us see our own shortcomings to overcome them, even though it was so difficult and unpleasant for her. Sree Maa showed us our nasty self, because of her love for us.
The couple rented a big house in an expensive area in Auckland in 2016 and created the first Ashram (secluded dwelling of a sage with his/her devotees). Two devotees had already moved in. I was also keen to join and learn to fully surrender my ego through seva (selfless service). When I was driving Sree Maa again around the city to one of her appointments such as the nail or massage parlour, she told me that I will be ready to move into the Ashram in 2-3 months after the retreat. I was excited. She also mentioned a couple of times that Kosmic Fusion will look after me. She knew I was struggling financially and made me feel safe this way to stay with the group.
While Sree Maa put a lot of emphasis on her appearance (paid by others), I did not and changed, especially after moving into the Ashram. I was wearing baggy clothes that covered my curves, no make-up and had no colour in my hair anymore. We were told at some point we should wear Indian clothes at least once a week. I was wearing them almost every day. I even made the attempt to wear a Sari on one Sunday after we were told to start doing so. I learned how to wrap it on YouTube. Sree Maa and Shri Ji just ignored me. I must have done a poor job, as I could feel from the way they looked at each other. I considered the change of my physical appearance as having overcome my attachment to it, not seeing that it was an expression of my lack of self-respect.
Soon after the retreat in Taupo one of the devotees who had moved into the Ashram was exposed as being a covert narcissist. This Indian devotee, I will call her ‘A’, was being questioned for many hours in a row to ‘come clean’, while standing or kneeling for almost the entire session on the hard cold floor. Each discourse lasted at least 6 hours, mostly 8-10, sometimes even more. Every other FIT from around the world was expected to be present, in person or online. Each session was video taped too. ‘A’ was accused of wanting to take Shri Ji away from Sree Maa and trying to destroy the FIT out of jealousy. All her dreams, thoughts and desires were laid open to the group. Everything about her self was being revealed and shared within the FIT group. Sree Maa did most of the talking; her husband Shri Ji joined a few times, or went to bed when it was late, because he was working the next day like some of us actually were too. ‘A’ was exposed to many accusations for all these long hours and was forced to write confession after confession, many pages long. They then had to be checked by other FIT and Sree Maa and Shri Ji to then being rewritten again and again. It was a tiring process we all were involved with. At some point we FIT in the room were even instructed to slap her in the face.
‘A’ had to expose her narcissistic nature in facebook posts, which was being read by her clients and friends. Her business did suffer. Whenever Sree Maa asked her to come to the Ashram during work time, she had to drop everything immediately and either her or one of us had to drive her over for another gruelling session. Sree Maa also instructed the FIT group members to give her a hard time, e.g. in our WhatsApp group. It was done to finally break her dark side. Often Sree Maa told us what to say and how to deal with her. We all wanted to please Sree Maa and kept doing what was expected from us. Sree Maa also said that ‘A’ should even go to the extent of getting tattoos to express her state of surrender and love to Sree Maa and Shri Ji. Sree Maa suggested they should say “I am a recovering covert narcisisst and psychopath [sociopath]”. They are supposed to be anywhere visible to others, eg on the lower arm. One night after hours in another discourse Sree Maa chose another NZ FIT, I call ‘C’, to support ‘A’ to get the tattoos. The tattoos are now still on her wrists and neck where they are most visible. Later in another discourse Sree Maa talked about this incident as if she never told ‘A’ to get the tattoes and as if this devotee herself wanted to get the tattoos. And because of ‘C’ did ‘A’ put the tattoos on such visible parts of the body. Everything was being twisted.
The discourses with devotee ‘A’ became less frequent. After my move the FIT from Singapore who had already been living in the Ashram was the next target. I will call her devotee ‘B’. Sree Maa and Shri Ji tried to break her in many long ‘coming clean’ sessions. I kept falling asleep from exhaustion when attending.
She was busted as an even worse narcissist, a malignant one. The format was the same as before with everyone attending, the sessions being recorded, instructions given what to say to her and some FIT who came for visit slapping her really hard. Devotee ‘B’ told me later that she felt suicidal at some point and felt like going mad. But everything was done with the understanding that it was a blessing to get the ego exposed and eradicated and it was done out of compassion from Sree Maa and Shri Ji. Devotee ‘C’, who was almost every day in the Ashram, and me were told how to treat them every day. It was considered an Agnya (divine will). We followed it, even when it felt wrong to us. And Sree Maa quickly pointed out when I missed doing it. Often I was even told what to say to trigger the two devotees. I also had to play a specific CD on replay when they wanted to sleep.
Both devotees had to move downstairs into the garage, sleeping next to the car or even in a car outside. Eventually they moved into a lodge, then again into the garage or into the basement area. The big room downstairs had a tiled floor, a big billard table, two sofas and pillows to sit on. There were French doors with access to the swimming pool and outdoor area, which they had to clean every morning, even when they lived away.
The Indian devotee ‘A’ was told to “serve the servant” (das no das), because she was not allowed to serve Bhagwan Swaminarayan/Sree Maa and Shri Ji anymore. She had to cook dinner for both of us every single day (by then the NZ devotee ‘C’ had moved in). But she could only use the kitchen, when nobody else did. That meant starting to cook dinner and cleaning at 6am or earlier before I prepared for Aarti. Sree Maa told us to never accept her food. One night the agnya was to go and try her food and to say it tastes terrible. (we both felt so bad doing it and actually liked some of her food). Finally devotee ‘A’ was allowed to offer seva (be of service) at night, after Sree Maa and Shri Ji had reclined to their rooms. That was usually after 11am. She was then allowed to sweep the floors and we had to also find other tasks for her to do, such as cleaning our toilet and bathroom. In the mornings after sweeping and cleaning the outside area I had to check her appearance before she left for work and take a photo of her to make sure she was dressed properly and not like a ‘slut’.
Routines in the Ashram
Life in the Ashram was busy, even though Sree Maa kept saying, there was not much to do and everything took us too long. There was no privacy, except when I went to sleep in my bed. (Later in my own ‘confession session’ I came to know even that wasn’t private. I was accused of what I was wearing in bed) It was still expected that one of the NZ FIT took Sree Maa to all her appointments. I even swapped my car with the other devotee in the Ashram who drove her around often, because Sree Maa preferred the seat in my car. The one driving her usually paid for most or all her expenses. Sometimes the amount was shared amongst the FIT, but many times it was not. On top of that we paid most of the groceries. Especially the targeted Indian devotee paid a lot of extra money, such as a big weekly amount for the lease (even when she lived away from the Ashram or in the garage). Meanwhile Sree Maa and Shri Ji lived in luxury. Sree Maa had wardrobes literally bursting with clothes. We were told the reason why she had so much was because of us; so we won’t need all these things for ourselves anymore. Another time we were told the precious new Saris from India were an investment for the future. Once she has touched or worn them once, we could sell them in due time for the planned big temple in New Zealand. There were over 36 Saris and each FIT was to invest around NZD2000. We also were meant to pay for the big new Mandir that was being made in India.
A normal day started at 6:30am the latest. Preparing and doing morning Aarti, preparing the juice for Sree Maa and either going to work or staying in and cleaning (Sree Maa said she had a dust allergy), receiving discourses (that stopped us from working), receiving a few new projects to do that I had no time to complete (already made to fail), preparing and cooking food or helping Sree Maa cook food in the evening, shopping, washing, ironing, putting clothes away, rearranging cupboards, arranging flower bouquets for the whole Ashram, preparing and doing evening Aarti, dinner, cleaning, emails, attending online or in person meetings, reading the teachings (but most days there was actually no time for it left), going to bed around 1am. Sometimes cleaning up the kitchen by myself took me till 2am while the other NZ devotee ‘C’ was giving Sree Maa a massage. Even when the two ‘exposed’ devotees were allowed to help cleaning upstairs, I still needed to do some admin in my room.
I never went to bed before 1am, sometimes 2am. Then it did happen that I received a very late message from Sree Maa asking for a snack. (I knew it was a ‘test’.) There was an unspoken expectation to be ready to serve at any time, although Sree Maa told us if we were efficient we could finish everything and be in bed before midnight. To wash my own clothes I had to go to the Laundromat. We were not allowed to wash our clothes in the same washing machine as Sree Maa and Shri Ji. But their dark bed sheets we were allowed to wash in the big machines in the Laundromat (seemed a contradiction to me). The best time was Sunday mornings, before I made breakfast for the couple. But even then I was always on edge and it did happen that I received messages just when I was in the laundromat. I was always on edge. I hardly had time to visit any friend. I managed once to go to my friend nearby only when Sree Maa and Shri Ji had already left for India. Later after I had left the group my friend told me that I seemed happy, but like under hypnosis.
We were encouraged within the group to only sleep 4 to 5 hours. 6 hours sleep was considered lazy. With all the discourses happening it did often happen that me and devotee ‘C’ had only 2-3 hours of sleep. I still functioned, but twice almost drove my car off the street on my way back from work. It also happened that I nodded off during class (I am a relief teacher). My memory became really bad.
I was being tested a lot by Sree Maa and Shri Ji, more so when living with them in the Ashram. One afternoon Sree Maa told me I could go to bed early today and let the others finish up in the kitchen. I was so happy, as I was very tired. I still managed to join an online meeting for a short time, before I just had to close my eyes. After a while the other devotee ‘C’ was told to get me, but I was so deep asleep that I did not wake up. So I failed another test, because I succumbed to my body.
Another time I received a phone call from Sree Maa at work to tell me, I could have a nap when I come back from work. I was relieved and after I did so I was told I had failed again as I was not allowed to do so on Ekadashi (special fasting day). It was mental torture.
My self-esteem was being attacked all the time. I was accused of making short cuts and not cleaning properly. At one occasion Sree Maa showed me in detail how to clean the pots and plates properly after cooking fatty Indian food. Shri Ji regretted that he had no camera to film this unbelievable act. At another occasion Sree Maa took the broom in her own hand and showed me how to sweep the floor properly. To humiliate me further, Shri Ji was filming it this time. I took it as my training to detach from the ego and not be affected by it. She often gave discourses, which I recorded and passed on to other FIT to listen to. And it was expected that they listen to all of them. Sree Maa often told me, she was not human and I should not treat her as a normal human being i.e. not asking back for clarification or repeating what she said (just so I remembered). Sree Maa told me that the Indian culture is the most superior culture and even Chinese culture is better than the white European culture. I did wonder why Sree Maa created a hierarchy in cultures, instead of emphasizing the best in every culture and Oneness.
In the beginning of 2017 some of us were invited to join a Pilgrimage to India with Sree Maa and Shri Ji. We bathed in the Ganges River and visited various temples of Krishna, Shiva and Hanuman. We also visited temples of Swaminarayan Sampraday and met Sankhya Yogis, who were delighted to see foreigners as devotees. Sree Maa told them that we were Satsangis, which made them very happy. The Sankhya Yogis even gifted each of us a mala (prayer beads). Sree Maa passed them on to everyone one by one. I was the last one waiting. She pretended not to see me. When she presented me with the mala she told the Sankhya Yogi that she couldn’t see me, because I still have a lot of ego to surrender. (I asked another Indian devotee to translate for me what she had said, but I had a sense of what was being said anyway). I was never praised and always took it as my personal training to be unaffected by praise or scolding. She could not ‘break’ me. During the trip we were scolded a lot and were told to reflect on our ‘white-ass-mentality’ and ‘Mr. Bean-attitude’. As Sree Maa was the avatar of Bhagwan Swaminarayan, she told us many times that He is not pleased about us and has given up on us. Bhagwan Swaminarayan leaves it up to her to cancel or continue the FIT program. She had such a good connection that she could ‘twist His arm’ and make him do what she wanted.
We visited many temples and it was expected from us to give big sums of donation each time. Sree Maa and Shri Ji however never contributed.
When Sree Maa and Shri Ji were travelling with us in the bus, we had to hear again and again how bad we were and how much ego we still had. We were also questioned about our knowledge of Swaminarayan’s life or rotated putting one of Sree Maa’s shoes on our head to receive blessings for our bad behaviour. At some point I refused to do this, and rather chanted with the mala. I was later accused of doing so. Regarding our seva we took initiative to organise a roster including everyone (except for the two Indian FIT from Dubai that were always close to the couple) so everyone had an equal chance to offer seva to Sree Maa and Shri Ji; seva such as cleaning any public toilet for Sree Maa (if you had been to india before you know what that could mean) or cleaning her feet before leaving the temple etc. But then we were scolded of not being spontaneous and having to be told when to offer which seva. We should jump to do it without being told. This way Sree Maa tried to create competition and a situation amongst us to ‘fight’ to serve her. Sree Maa and Shri Ji portrayed themselves as being the victim and being treated so badly by us that they could not stand driving in the bus with us anymore. They hired a more comfortable and faster car instead and drove with the two very close Indian FIT devotees (who had helped preparing the pilgrimage) to the next destination. We had no right to be blessed with their presence. There was no Oneness, only divisions created by Sree Maa and Shri Ji. The rest of us were going by bus to the next destination with only two of us speaking broken Hindi.
When I saw Sree Maa and Shri Ji in the hotel, I bowed my head and placed my hand on my heart in heartfelt devotion and respect. But then I was scolded for being disrespectful and not folding my hands to greet them with a ‘Namaste’. We were all scolded for not treating Sree Maa and Shri Ji like a living God while travelling. No matter where we were, we had to be in seva and greet them in the ‘proper’ way. Later, back in NZ I was accused that I never greeted the couple with folded hands and not showed my respect.
Back in New Zealand
Back in New Zealand Sree Maa wanted to ‘help’ us to be more efficient. We had to write daily reports of our activities in hourly sequence to proof that we are inefficient and do not achieve as much as we could. I disliked this agnja (divine command) and it was also hard for me to complete when all this other work has to be done in the Ashram. We were kept busy with many hour-long discourses and admin, so there was no time to stop and write anything down. We were always kept busy, so we could not even reflect or question what was asked from us. And of course there was no time to be involved with the outer world. The Ashram felt like an asylum indeed.
Sree Maa and Shri Ji usually did not do morning Aarti in the Mandir. When I dared to ask I was told Sree Maa did it mentally in her room. During morning Aarti I genuinely prayed to Bhagwan Swaminarayan to forgive me for my ignorance and to give me the strength and wisdom to be a better person and do the right things. I was shocked then when Sree Maa told me that Baghwan Swaminarayan had enough of me and of my inability to serve properly. I was not allowed into the Mandir anymore. So ‘C’ took over Aarti preparation. I cooked the food that she then offered to Bhagwan Swaminarayan. Soon I was not allowed to even cook for Baghwan Swaminarayan anymore, because HE was very upset and really had it with me. Would Bhagwan Swaminarayan really do that? Would God punish an unexperienced, but sincere devotee? But I kept cooking and serving Sree Maa and Shri Ji, which I was soon scolded for as well. How could I separate Bhagwan Swaminarayan from Sree Maa and Shri Ji?! Not being allowed to serve one means I cannot serve the other one.
Sree Maa did say that the Swaminarayan Sampraday will never accept her and Kosmic Fusion, even though she is the avatar of Bhagwan Swaminarayan. With this prediction she prepared us to accept it when the time comes. But she always behaved like she can even control Him. She was able to convince Him to keep accepting us inexperienced and unworthy devotees until a certain point when she decided if someone had to be ‘punished’.
When I was picking up Sree Maa and Shri Ji from the airport after their short holidays in the South Island (organised and paid by us), the woman was very upset that I said I was happy to pick them up and did not say: ‘I was happy to receive them’. She totally ignored me when I welcomed them. In the car they made jokes in Hindi. A couple of weeks later when I was driving her to one of her beauty appointments, she told me that they were actually making fun of me and my bad driving. I just laughed with her about it. I did not feel any humiliation; I even apologised for my bad driving. Only now I see that I had totally lost any self-respect. And a truly divine being or spiritual leader would always be humble and never have acted like this.
My ‘coming clean’ time
One night I was told by Sree Maa I had to move all my belongings downstairs without any help and sleep from now on in the basement with the devotees ‘A’ and ‘B’. Devotee ‘A’ was sleeping on a rolled out mat, devotee ‘B’ was sleeping on the couch I had donated to the Ashram. There was no privacy, just one big room that was on the way to the garage. Devotee ‘B’ was soon allowed to sleep upstairs again, being ‘upgraded’ and ‘worthy’ of sleeping upstairs. There was always a competition and difference made between us. I knew than it was my turn to be targeted.
One of my early ‘confession sessions’ started with Sree Maa interrogating me till late and then went on only with some other FIT until 7am. I was so exhausted and had to call in sick at work to get at least a couple of hours’ sleep, until I was busy in the Ashram again.
In my sessions I was being accused of being jealous and wanting to be like Sree Maa etc. I was revealed as the malignant narcissist and that the Singapore devotee ‘B’ had actually gone through MY process to make it easier for me now. I was again and again asked about my true intentions of moving into the Ashram, which I was told were to destroy Kosmic Fusion. And I was planting the idea of Kosmic Fusion being a cult in the head of other devotees.
Like the two devotees before, I had to stand most of the time during the sessions, or kneel down. I remember returning downstairs after another of those long confession sessions and feeling totally drained of any life force. I felt I could go mad. It was total mental torture I was exposed to. Later the Singapore devotee shared that when she saw me she was actually worried that I could go mad. Of course later I was being accused of playing all this to make others worry about me and putting Sree Maa and Shri Ji in a bad light. Constantly gaslighting me like this did make me doubt myself. One weekend Sree Maa told me in a private message to expose the two faced acts of the other NZ devotee ‘C’ in my written confessions. This was not a test, she wrote with a big heart emoji. There was relief in me to still be loved by her. But before I could think about doing it I was called upstairs again for more discourses and ‘coming clean’ sessions. Again, why did I really come to the Ashram? I was devastated. What did they want to hear from me other than what I told them to be true? I shouted in desperation “I don’t know!!” How dare I!! I was reprimanded severely! Sree Maa was angry and threatened me to never ever dare to scream at her again.
Each time Sree Maa and Shri Ji went out by car, they had to go through the basement to the garage. I was always on the presenting plate. One time I was sitting on my bed in the basement. Sree Maa and Shri Ji were on their way out through the garage and saw me chanting quietly with the Mala. I was quickly accused to play and pretend to be a devotee.
At another occasion Sree Maa and Shri Ji came down to interrogate me again with online presence of the other FIT from overseas. Even Shri Ji was ripping into me. I kept quiet sitting on the cold floor with lowered head. Whatever I would have said was wrong. Sree Maa said because of me she could not wear a chandlo today and she screamed at me on top of her lungs. I could not believe what I was experiencing and in this particular session both of them finally lost any left spark of respect and trust. However, I was still under their control. I had to write more confessions. I also had to sign papers of my so-called narcissist and destructive behaviour towards Kosmic Fusion. I was threatened that they could go to the police to sue me for damaging Kosmic Fusion. Sleep was not considered. I was not allowed to come upstairs at all. But I was confronted with why I did not help the other devotee ‘C’? Did I want her to fail? And why did I not offer any food to Sree Maa and Shri Ji? Till a certain point I thought it was all to break my dark evil side, my ego, but it was actually all a game to confuse my mind and keep me under control.
Sree Maa claimed that she can read the Causal body and therefore could see what the future brings for us. I was in such a bad mental state that she said I would commit suicide if I would leave the Ashram now. I should stay a little longer for my own protection. That shocked me. In one of the discourses she also suddenly told me that suicide was written in my Causal body. She then shared that two FIT had sacrificed 10 and 2 years of their lives so I would not commit suicide. I was speechless. How could they? What was going on? I never asked for this. Apparently I was told to keep quiet about it, which I did not hear and I soon wrote an email of gratitude to them. I felt that was the right thing to do. The answer was very rough; they did not do it for me, but for Sree Maa and Shri Ji only. Now, after I know what I know about the true nature of Sree Maa and Shri Ji I wonder, did they actually take life force from these two FIT for themselves and pretended that it was done for my sake?!
There were three very close devotees; her daughter, who has a degree in Psychology from the University in Auckland and two Indian devotees from Dubai. They decided, after consultation with Sree Maa, who will join a new core group of totally surrendered devotees. Sree Maa and Shri Ji basically turned us against each other. Needless to say I was not included in the group. The group then started to make decisions over the remaining FIT, e.g. me. Basically they were the extension of Sree Maa and Shri Ji, so they did not have to deal with us directly anymore. Sree Maa made clear that she and her husband Shri Ji suffered so much from all those narcissist people around them, especially from me and I had proven that I had no love for them at all. The group then decided I had to leave…immediately. Within one hour I had to pack up and leave the Ashram. It was late afternoon. I filled my car with some of my belongings. I had no money to pay for a room, so I slept in my car in a public car park of a supermarket. I had to pick up the rest of my belongings within the next few days, even those I had donated to the Ashram. In the meantime I had to write more confessions. After the first night in my car the core group lent me money to pay for accommodation for a few days until I received my next pay.
Sree Maa had said a couple of times that I can’t be helped and it was a waste of time to keep helping me. Then I had to give back every single item relating to Swaminarayan Bhagwan, as well as any gifts from Sree Maa. She had given me a lot of her clothes to wear ‘to raise my vibration’. All of them had to be given back when I left. And they took every idol of Bhagwan Swaminarayan, every book I bought (from my own money), every copy I made from publications, the Kanthi and Mala – everything, to demonstrate that I was unworthy to continue to be a devotee of Bhagwan Swaminarayan. I was also not allowed to use the spiritual name that was given to me a few years ago by Sree Maa and was addressed with the name I had before, which represented my ego driven self, the so called ‘small self’. It was made clear that I had fallen back into my ego self and was not worthy carrying the spiritual name Meera anymore. Language is very powerful. Control language and you control people’s thoughts. By controlling how and which kind of words we were using it was a tool to control us.
Recently I visited my parents in Europe after a 4 years break again and I asked my mother if I had changed in any way, without telling her anything about what happened. She replied that I had been emotionally removed and detached last time I had visited them. I did not seem to want to connect to her and my father at all. She felt I was alienated. That has changed now and I am connecting to them again.
Contact after leaving the group
I was so relieved and even joyful after I had left the group. This was a clear sign for me that it was the right thing to do. Still I was stressed and felt very depressed. It took a lot for me to start feeling safe and calm again. I lived for a few months in a lodge after I had donated or sold all my other belongings to make it easier to move further. My belongings were reduced to 8 or so boxes. I felt emotionally so low like never before in my life. I even wondered how it would be to jump off that bridge. This kind of thought I never had before. Whenever I started to relax and felt I was starting to heal, they contacted me again. It was psychological torture. I had to answer more questions. Once they demanded of me to answer over 70 questions within 3 days. It was excruciating. They were accusing me of putting a used tampon on a photo of Sree Maa and Shri Ji. How ridiculous! And that I had slept in Sree Maa and Shri Ji’s bed while they were away and that I had sex with many men. I was expected to ‘confess’ to all of it. I am sure Sree Maa did put these stories into their heads and created more anger in them towards him. The ‘confession’ I had to email them as well as read it to a couple of FIT who came to pick them up. They filmed me reading them to a camera. Later I was being accused to look as if I was forced to read it to them. Yes, because I was!
I was still contacted by members and was also invited to join the retreat in 2017 at the Ashram with most FIT present. There I had to answer more questions and write more confessions while staying in the garage over night. The Indian devotee ‘A’ was there too, writing confessions and helping me to say the right things. We were allowed to sleep for 2 hours, plus 2x 30 min in the garage. The rest of the time we had to write. At least we were treated with a plate of dinner. Then at another occasion I had to read it all out loud in front of Sree Maa and Shri Ji and the other FIT who attacked me verbally. I remember Sree Maa was scolding me why I looked so depressed. I replied that I feel everything of me is evil. Her answer was that nobody said I was evil. How dare she!! Yes, nobody used exactly these words, but I was clearly treated like I was.
Eventually I moved into a room in a house with others and was starting to feel normal again, but still that core group of devotees contacted me out of the blue. When my friends asked me if they actually had left me alone I lied to them and said yes, out of shame that I was still in touch with them. The group asked me to join them for online meetings to clarify more questions. That happened twice. I turned up and answered as best as I could under attack. They contacted me again and I was ready to join everyone, but only one other group member turned up and we left soon. I felt they were playing with me. It was mentally tiring. Then I received more questions to answer and messages to clarify. I also received an email to join an online call with Sree Maa and Shri Ji to “tie up loose ends”. That is when I saw in the email that other FIT, such as Komal were targeted as well. It only confirmed the crazy nature of this situation to me. Even Komal was being attacked? She was one of the most dedicated devotees and had always been praised by Sree Maa. I took all my strength together and declined. I also replied to another WhatsApp message and said enough is enough. I answered everything I could. That’s it. To do that took a lot of strength, but straight away I felt empowered and I knew it was right. It was a turning point for me. The psychological stress I was under had to end now and I started to take charge of it.
Nevertheless I kept dreaming of Sree Maa and Shri Ji; situations I experienced were running in my head repeatedly like a broken tape. It was challenging to take the mental freedom to look at the world in a different way again, other than what I was taught in the group. I was angry of allowing myself to be sucked in, and to have stayed for so long. I also felt ashamed and did not like to tell anyone. Only one friend knew in the beginning.
I felt so stressed and listened to calming music all day to help me relax and sleep and feel ‘normal’. At work I just kept quiet and put on a mask to get through the day. I was afraid of bumping into Sree Maa at specific places. I also avoided cooking Indian food (which I always liked), because it reminded me too much of living in the Ashram. I felt I was a Fraud, malicious, an impostor on others, not intelligent, and the worst person in the world, because I was told so. And I still questioned if I was at fault and missing my chance of soul liberation. It was confusing to feel all these negative feelings. I had even considered taking medication to help me lift my mood. I was so depressed. Lucky I found a way to deal with the situation with vibrational medicine and energy work, so that I did not need to take any heavy pharmaceuticals. But I could not trust myself anymore. That was the hardest to deal with. I felt so lonely and that nobody understood me. But I also had a glimpse of my own power and a knowing that it was right to have left. I was ridiculed, mocked, as well as intimidated, but nobody can take my power away anymore.
It takes a lot of strength to write all this down and so much more happened in the 6 years I was with Kosmic Fusion. The above gives an idea of the kind of experience I had with the founders. I feel sad for the beautiful people who are still locked in this brainwashed reality of Kosmic Fusion. And yes, it is their journey to walk, but hopefully they can wake up very quickly. And I hope this sharing helps to clarify that Kosmic Fusion is indeed a cult. This is the way to confuse people: to share some truth about life and the universe (like from the Vedas), and then mix it with lies and brainwashing techniques, based on fear. Sree Maa and Shri Ji seemed genuine in the beginning. But they soon changed, especially once they changed their names from Kaveeta and Suniel to Sree Maa and Shri Ji and I believe they were and still are (!) pulling many innocent souls into their vortex of destruction. I want to make sure that nobody else will be drawn into the hands of this malicious couple and that they are stopped in their actions.
My deep gratitude goes out to all the beautiful people in my life who supported me and gave me courage to speak out.