Tough week at office for Scientology
November 21, 2009
... But this week I feel most sorry for the poor little Scientologists.
It must be hard enough just being a Scientologist, I imagine, but to be so publicly humiliated like you have this week -- ouch. Such a shame, after Tom Cruise's debacles you'd been looking so credible as well.
South Australian senator Nick Xenophon used parliamentary privilege on Tuesday to castigate the church, labelling it a criminal organisation hiding behind religious beliefs.
Senator Xenophon alleged sanctioned beatings, imprisonments, forced abortions, fraud, blackmail, murder cover-ups and sexual assaults.
Now PM Kevin Rudd has leapt on the bandwagon, as he so often does, and is considering a formal inquiry into the church -- and its tax-free status.
In order to make the Scientologists feel better, I thought I might examine their beliefs, just for fun.
You have to admire a religion created by a science fiction writer, but perhaps writing didn't pay too well.
What better way to get readers than to convert them? Genius.
He said, and I quote: "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, he'd start his own religion."
Can't say he wasn't honest.
One of the keys to Scientology is something called an engram.
Now for non-believers such as myself, an engram is basically a psychic scar. It's the so-called origin of illness.
As I understand it, life, according to Scientology, is all about ridding yourself of these little engrams. You do this to pursue a path of enlightenment along a bridge to total freedom.
At each stage of the bridge, you are 'audited' by a senior church member, who hooks you up to a handy little device called the electropsychometer AKA the E-meter -- 'a religious artefact used to measure the state of electrical characteristics of the static field surrounding the body'.
The meter is believed to reflect or indicate whether or not a person has been 'relieved from spiritual impediment of past experiences'.
Back in 1960s the church was forced to admit that the E-Meter actually did nothing. Despite that, followers remain brainwashed -- sorry, 'convinced' -- that it is vital to becoming a Operating Thetan.
A what? Glad you asked.
According to Scientology teaching an Operating Thetan (OT) is said to be able to communicate with animals, leave their bodies at will and control physical reality through pure thought.
Hmmmm. OK. Sure, they can.
They're also supposed to be immortal like Brother Hubbard, who rather inconveniently died in 1986.
That should have been the end of scientology, but unfortunately no.
Being an OT, believers are on the edge of their E-meters waiting for his miraculous return.
Second Coming? Anyone else think Ron borrowed part of his story from a little publication called the Bible? Maybe he and Jesus will come back on the same day.
If engrams and thetans were not enough to straining credulity, this is the kicker. Scientologists also believe that 75 million years ago, an evil galactic warlord by the name of Xenu dumped 13 trillion aliens from different planets into the Earth's volcanoes and then vaporised them with H-bombs.
The radioactive souls of these poor, vaporised alien creatures continue to enter into our bodies, implanting these engrams of which we, meaning they, have to purge themselves.
Apparently, when one releases an engram, it's accompanied by yawns or tears, sweat, odour, panting, urine, vomiting and other excreta.
So, as the critics put it, every time you piss, puke, fart or crap, you're a step closer to immortality.
As I said, sorry. Must be the nasty little engram talking.
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